White Sauce

Hipsters use words like “béchamel,” but we’re not fancy. Best eaten on the floor, alone, in a corner with week-old pasta from the fridge. No utensils necessary, just dip and swallow in sadness.

N.B.: Alfredo sauce is supposedly just cream and parmesan. The variation presented here is a low-cost alternative that’s more similar to what’s generally served as alfredo

Rules

1. Use an equal amount of flour and fat
2. More flour/fat means thicker sauce
3. More liquid means thinner sauce
4. The inverse statements of the two previous statements are also true. Ask a logician why.
5. Adjust to your preferences

Ingredients

• 1-2 Tbsp flour
• 1-2 Tbsp canola oil or butter
• Salt to taste (about 2 tsp)
• Pepper to taste (about 1 tsp)
• 2 tsp minced garlic
• ¹/₄ - ¹/₂ tsp nutmeg
• 2 cups milk
• ¹/₄ cup mild cheese such as gouda or צהובה (optional)

For alfredo

• ¹/₂ cup parmesan

For rosé

• ¹/₂ can crushed tomatoes
• Italian seasoning mix to taste (about 1 Tbsp total of basil, oregano, thyme if no mix available)

Directions

1. Place a saucepan over medium heat and melt butter or pour in oil.
2. Add flour and mix with fat until all clumps are gone.
3. Heat until it bubbles.
4. Add salt, pepper, and garlic.
5. Once garlic is fragrant, add nutmeg and Italian seasoning (if making rosé).
6. Allow spices to cook in oil for about 10 to 15 seconds.
7. Reduce to low heat and add milk slowly while stirring to prevent any clumps.
8. Occasionally stir and scrape the bottom to prevent burnt bits until the sauce boils.
9. Add cheese if desired, and stir well.
10. For rosé, add tomatoes and return to simmer.
11. Simmer as long as you want. If making rosé, the tomatoes get better the longer you simmer.
12. If you have pasta water, add some. Why not?
13. Taste, burn your tongue and finger, and adjust seasoning.
14. Finish cooking your pasta in the sauce if you’re cultured. If you’re family, pour some on top of already cooked pasta.
15. Season with tears of disappointment for authentic flavor.